Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Wasps: bees, but not helping

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

my nickname in college

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.