Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

*aggressively waits in line*

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

sugar glider wrangler

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

philosophical skeletons be like