*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You Might Also Like
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
The three genders.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?