*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
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*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin