Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only