Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

Life cycle of cat

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.