Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right