Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?