Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy