Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
she has a point
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
