Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
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Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything