Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon