Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
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don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?