Passwords are more important than ever.
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[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Still cracks me up
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok