Passwords are more important than ever.
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Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
