Passwords are more important than ever.
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If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Möther may I have a snäck
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.