Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

A great tip. #CakeRex

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.