[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.