Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper