Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
This bar smells like my childhood.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.