Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
had to share :’)
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I think I’m having a stroke
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Kermit goes Blue.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.