Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
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WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.