Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

BaD BoY!!

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am