Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst Native American name ever.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive