“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away