Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

👻

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

*jazz hands*

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.