Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint