Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan