Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️