Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Anyone want a chair?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
NOT all policemen are strippers.