Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso