Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad