*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
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Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
🌲😼
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET