*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
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It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
airing out the snack pack
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
When I face a minor setback
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
It’s on my to-do list.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*