Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.