Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
