Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.