Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
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There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
best review i’ve ever seen
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.