Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Seems kinda suspicious

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

That’s incredible! 👌

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what