Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*