Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
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I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
*jingles half the way*
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
inside you are two wolves
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year