Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”