Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

is this how new cars are made??

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

classic mixup

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.