Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
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grotesque if literal: baby food
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
(Gaming support cat.)
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s