Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
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Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?