Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
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[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast