Pat is about to own someone
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I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
do horses think humans are hats
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…