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Don’t beat an alive horse either.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?