Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
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a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
what do you want
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”