Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
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We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
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I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.