Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.