Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

This woman is my idol. Free her.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”