Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Split the bill

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life