Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]