Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship