Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle