Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

So sick of all these stupid rules

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME