Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

My life coach traded me.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.