Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.