Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.