Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
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[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?