Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.