Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.