Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*