Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Discuss

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.