Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
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I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I’m listening
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I missed you with all my darts
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
me 2 months after i graduated
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating