Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

I’m having an out of money experience.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?