PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*