Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.