PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
let’s discuss
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.