Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does beer think about me too?

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

When I said I liked it rough.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.