Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
It’s been 4 years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.